Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003) Zero stars

Directed by McG. Written by John August, Cormac Wibberley Marianne Wibberley, from a story by August. Photography, Russell Carpenter. Editing, Wayne Wahrman. music, Edward Shearmur; production design, J. Michael Riva; produced by Leonard Goldberg, Drew Barrymore, Nancy Juvonen. Cast: Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, Bernie Mac), Crispin Glover, Justin Theroux, Robert Patrick, Demi Moore, John Cleese, et al. A Columbia release. 111 minutes. PG-13

"Zero Stars" (see rating above) means "several degrees below Zero." The film, a catastrophe, is indescribably incoherent, dumb, absurd, unfunnyŠ you name it.

There's a trio of "angels" shown at their least flattering in a morass of senselessly stupid action after action that by comparison makes the worst Schwarzenegger flick feel like an art movie.

I will not honor this product by attempting to summarize its non-plot. Its makers seem to have no notion of editing, continuity, or anything else beyond transparent special effects that cry out they are special effects.

There is a moment when that great Monty Python John Cleese surfaces as the father of Lucy Liu. It may give the viewer a remote hope that Cleese will bring to the film's mess an element of comic absurdism. The hope is dashed. He just stands there, looking lost and bewildered. For all the man has to do he could have been replaced by a broomstick. And so it goes, as the chaotic picture proceeds with its abominable action and acting (by all.)

Early on there appears, briefly, Demi Moore (now 40) as a renegade ex-Angel in a swim suit. She vanishes, leaving you with the conclusion that the purpose of her presence was to show what clean living, a mere two marriages, plastic-cosmetic surgery and money can do for you. But later she shows up again as a mayhem-performing villainess whose acrobatics (more bad special effects) match those of the "good" Angels. By then the film has confirmed that it is worse than bad cartoons.

Occasionally there are hints of sex teasers of a T & A nature. They retreat promptly. The sound-track is poor and echoes. To be fair, this could be the fault of the theater. It became even more noticeable when compared to the current state-of-the-art sound at the local, renovated Art Theater.

Whatever the cost of making this "Charlie's Angels" was, it could have fed starving populations in several African countries for at least a year. Instead, it punishes viewers like me with its imbecility, it tortures them in ways inherited from the Spanish Inquisition. I am toying with the idea of suing the movie's makers for several thousand dollars.

A truly amazing fact is that when I watched this thing one member of the audience regularly punctuated it with laughter. Oh sweet mystery of life.

Any saving graces? Well, some nifty convertible sports- cars do surface but the camera does not linger on them sufficiently.